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| TEAM FOSSILS
Rainbow Friends
That third panel is fucking adorable.
The rare and super-cute Optimistic Sarah!
It needs to be a gravitar.
>:(
Dammit, forgot what my own gravatar looked like!
:-/
I know! She is so freaking adorable when she’s happy
Got to say, that’s a pretty background willis, good job.
yeah dude that is gorgeous.
The flowers remind me of ketchup and mustard. I dunno why.
And ‘Merican cheese and onions.
My brother has a massive condiment aversion. Just meat and bun. NOTHING ELSE.
I will add hot sauce and black and white pepper but I will not add any salad, egg or bacon to my burger the way many Aussies prefer to do.
Excuse me, “salad”? As in garden salad or is that slang for lettuce and tomato?
The latter.
Okay, thanks.
I’m not gonna judge, but egg on a burger = instant alcohol soaker. This kills the hangover quite well.
aye, Flimsey.
that said, (I swear) anything greasy does it- my preferred method is bacon.
Just bacon.
(and lots of water)
That said, hangovers are kinda subjective…
It’s important that the yolk isn’t runny, for obvious reasons.
It’s also fucking delicious when not hung over
Beet root!!!
I favour the Terry Pratchett method:
“I’d like to stand up for the rights of people who put everything on their burger — chutney, mustard, pickle, mustard pickle, tomato sauce… It is common knowledge in my family that I can’t tell the difference between a veggie burger and a meat one, because the ratio of burger to pickles is so high.”
Terry Pratchett also invented the word “Autocondimenter” One who will, upon receiving their meal, will instantly put salt, pepper ketchup, mustard, what-have you, on it regardless of how it tastes and how much is already on it.
Nah, that’d be somewhat who will, upon receiving their meal, instantly dump salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, and what-have-you… on their self.
I am so bad about that! I will instantly add salt to my food and ketchup either on it or on the side without even thinking about it. I’ve inadvertently insulted many friends and family that way.
I think it’s a habit from childhood. I’ve never been a fan of most meats, especially beef, but as a kid saying “I don’t like hamburger/meatloaf/pot roast/brisket” didn’t fly. So I’d drown it in ketchup or gravy and salt til I couldn’t taste it anymore just to get enough down that I could be excused.
Now, even at 30 years old, I still do that, even to foods I like.
Good to know there’s a word for folks like me.
Yep! Hot sauce, pepper, or nothing on burgers.
I can do Ketchup/BBQ, any meat really, and onions. I can’t stand anything else. Sucks that all burgers essentially come standard with lettuce tomatoes and pickles, capitalism you failed me.
If you want to get whatever you want on your burgers. go to a Wendy’s (at least in America). They have a reputation to uphold regarding condiments. If you don’t want cheese though, you have to specify “no cheese”. That particular tic is why I only get McNuggets at McDonald’s.
Condiments are gross. Especially when they crust over on bottle. Ketchup is even worst.
It smells and sounds like farts when it is squeezed out of the bottle.
“worse”!!!
My preferred burger toppings are lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and grilled mushrooms.
Preferably from Five Guys, because any restaurant that sells fries and doesn’t offer malt vinegar for them are heathens and must be cleansed.
Malt vinegar on fries. Mmmmm…
Now I want to go to five guys and it’s midnight.
Dr Who, you bastard.
Well, maybe he’ll give you a ride in his TARDIS so you don’t have to wait for Five Guys to open.
Thanks, now it’s three in the morning and I want Five Guys. Not all of us can use superior technology to circumvent restaurant closing times. Jerk.
mm, 5G.
(all the way, no onions)
Depends on what I’m in the mood for. I keep everything from brown and yellow mustards to Sriracha sauce along with the standard mayo and ketchup for the wet works, plus lettuce, pickles, and both raw and grilled onions for the salad. I also sometimes use cheese and bacon in any combination. My favorite is yellow mustard, ketchup, light lettuce heavy pickle with grilled onion and cheese. I have to be in the mood but another good combination is Sriracha, heavy lettuce, light pickle, raw onion, and plain meat. That will clear out the sinuses.
I actually ask that they not put any condiments on my burger. I then proceed to squirt some ketchup on the plate, dip it in that, then squeeze mayo and mustard on top.
Hey, it works.
And no salad. I’m eating meat, I’m not a goddamn rabbit.
That…sounds…interesting.
I’m that way. And I only eat chicken sandwiches.
SOMETIMES I’ll add a bit of mayo. Enhances the taste if you don’t use too much.
I have a pretty huge condiment aversion myself. But if I’m going to have a burger, it must be a cheeseburger.
I’m pretty okay with condiments. I know what I like and will ask for it (lettuce tomato pickle mustard, NO cheese), but I am long past the picky eater stage and will just take it.
So what did she think they were…?
That’s what I was gonna ask, but yes, an answer would be great.
I didn’t know what they were as a kid. I knew I hated onions but I liked the white crunchy things they mixed with the ketchup and the mustard if I forgot to ask for ketchup only. Never connected that the white crunchy things were onions, because onions were gross and the crunchy things were good. I guess Joyce thinks like me XDD
Flavor crystals?
MSG
How about you also tell him about yourself, Sarah?
Sarah’s depressing. Joyce is hilarious.
I wonder what’ll happen when they get to that subject…
Cheeseburgers are not kosher.
Especially bacon cheeseburgers.
Toss on some kosher dill slices for the irony.
If an Orthadox Jew touched a Mcdonald’s Bacon Cheeseburger it’d burn their skin.
No, they would just be unclean for 28 days. It would be a Muslim that would burst into flames.
Mmmm…bacon.
We eat the pig and then together we burn.
I don’t know what God has against pigs. If didn’t want us to eat them he shouldn’t have made them out of bacon.
If what I’ve learned in Religion class is to correct, the whole “don’t eat pork” originally existed purely for health reasons. Islam and Judaism came to existence in a very hot climate where pork spoils very quickly.
Over time people forgot the original reasons for the ban on pork and just didn’t eat any because “it’s said so”. There also existed another reason for circumcsion once, besides “it’s tradition”.
That is one theory! Nobody knows for sure.
A similar theory for the ban on shellfish: early Jews were next to a couple fishing cultures, who ate plenty of shellfish — having to eat separately helped prevent cultural assimilation.
(This one also makes sense of the weird specificity of “a calf boiled in it’s mother’s milk”. It could be that this was a specific popular Hittite dish or something. I <3 wild biblical speculation.)
Yeah, a lot of research points toward pigs being the sacrificial animal for another god, tattoos and bodily shaving being ways people marked themselves in a different religion, etc.
I think it was for hygiene. fewer crevesaes for stuff to accululate.
And I thought that it might have been something to do with a rudimentary health and sanitation code. Pigs, even recently, were known to carry diseases such as trichinosis which could be passed on to humans when they consumed improperly cooked pork. Perhaps the early tribes of Israel had somehow observed this and when they created the code of laws they made pigs ritually unclean for this reason.
Yea, that was my take as well, same for the shellfish ban, for health reasons.
“A wonderful magical animal!”
Prefer seafood, but if it has to be a land animal, then the pig. Preferably as either a BBQ rack of ribs, or as bacon. Although a frenched rack of lamb (imported from New Zealand) is also welcome.
You are aware that God made people out of meat, too? So what’s your rationale about that? It’s supposed not to be too far off pig’s meat as well: the similarities make pigs popular for biotechnology. Not that I find the “pigs are intended as replacement material” theory much more tasteful than “pigs, like humans, are divinely intended to be eaten”.
Anyone want to join my new buffet/religious denomination – “I God didn’t want us to eat it, why is it made of meat?”
I think I’d start off with the sane things, like kangaroo steak, and locusts (not together, you heathens!), later move on to meats like snake and spider.
Sure, it would probably cumulate in a cannibalistic suicide pact, but what cult doesn’t?
I had rattlesnake-sausage pizza once. It tasted like, well, sausage.
Kosher is a relative thing. I once dated a Jewish girl and I still remember the night we spent having veggie pizza — and chicken wings — in her motel room while watching “The Hogfather” on her laptop. She rationalized it by saying that because chickens are not mammals and do not give milk there is no way we could be violating the law about “seething a kid in its mother’s milk”.
By all the gods (small one and otherwise), I miss her!!!
But if the rule specifies an calf in its mother’s milk, then a cheeseburger should be OK, because it’s an adult cow and almost certainly unrelated to the cow the cheese came from.
You missed out on the one banning mixing meat and dairy in the same meal didn’t you?
I dated a Jewish girl once who consumed bacon like a voracious bacon-consuming machine. I think I know more Jews who don’t keep kosher than who do.
What does Joyce have against onions?
Onions are the seed of the Devil! You can taste the evil.
Especially any time you belch in the next twelve hours after eating them.
They’re nasty?
I seconded that.
Thirded. (With appropriate icon, even.)
They taste like death.
Not properly prepared onions.
I can’t stand ’em either, but my favorite side dish is… onion rings.
You have a great taste in fast food. (I saw your earlier burger post)
I used to hate onions but now I’m indifferent. PICKLES ON THE OTHER HAND.
yep, I’m with you, pickles are the BEST!
I’ll fight you too.
I dont eat onions on my burgers either, but even when they mess my order give me onion anyway I still eat the burger, I’m Really passive so I dont care…I thought Joyce hated them because maybe she heard some crazy ass demon story about onions.
The problem is she isn’t eating sweet onions.
Joyce continues to be the best wingwoman.
…actually, yeah. That’s true. Dororthy and Walky… Sarah and Jacob… Once she somehow sorts out Amber and Danny she can level up and try for Billie and Ruth… which would be fun to watch
So Sarah has so little value in herself that all she can do is talk about Joyce.
If I had to live with Joyce, I’d probably become a crazy person too.
Girl’s a sweetheart, don’t get me wrong, but this is like making Squidward room with Pinkie Pie.
I don’t know why Spongebob would not have worked for that metaphor.
“This is like making Spongebob room with Pinkie Pie”?
Suit yourself, but I think they’d get along fine.
I’ll fight you.
I also have trouble seeing Joyce as Pinkie Pie.
I want Joyce to go see _Wicked_. On the one hand, glorifies witchcraft and casts power-hungry males in a bad light. On the other, so _good._
I get why you’re saying that, Plasma, but we know better. Sarah is shy — or not a people-person — or maybe just still feeling burned from what happened to her last year. In her nervousness, she stumbled onto a subject that was easy for her to talk about, and she hasn’t gotten past that yet. She will . . . but I hope without this having to hurt Joyce in the process.
I get what you saying but she will need to slip in some info/stories about herself from time to time or she will risk the dreaded “friendzone”.
Yep!
Goddamn Sarah is so adorable in that third panel!
+ 100
Blegh. I always make sure to ask for the damn things to be off my burgers when I order. Hate ’em. And I hate having to pick them off, too.
Am I the only one wanting to see this video?
MAKE IT HAPPEN, WILLIS
I feel like it’s been made, but search is failing me =p
[it was actually about nachos, I think]
And there was this one time she went to a party where she didn’t know anyone, got separated from her friends and accepted drinks from some guy she just met. The bright side is I got to use my bat!
Also, she was crowned Queen of the Drunks. Turns out that’s legally binding! Billie is her subject now.
That means that Ruth is also her subject.
Now I want to see Joyce in a paper crown and blanket cape with Billie and Ruth kneeling before her.
It had better be a Burger King crown.
Ruth is in rebellion against the Crown.
Do any of her duties conflict with her also being Queen of the Ponies?
Friendship Is Absolut!
IIRC, there was an news article about how Finlandia sells better in Russia than Absolut.
Maybe but Absolut works better pun-wise.
True dat.
Is the hamburger thing bibliographical?
It doesn’t sound like a list of referenced sources.
Well you have to cite your sources.
I think you meant autobiographical.
I’d like to agree with you on that–can’t believe I missed it the first time I read that post–but part of me wants to see the use of “bibliographical” be vehemently defended.
Yes, I did. Darn autocorrect.
See now, I assumed you meant “biblical”!
I don’t know why it just hit me now, when I’ve seen him a million times, but… holy shit, Jacob is built like a damn tank
He truly is big-boned.
If Jacob’s a tank, how do Joe and Ethan compare then?
They’re more like APCs in comparison.
I guess Mike would be a Hummer with a .50 cal and Danny would be the guy who got sent home from the recruiting depot due to failing the physical?
And Galasso is a Bolo?
Only in his own mind.
Bolos are cooler than Ogres: they have personalities.
Danny is Captain America?!?
Danny is Captain America before the super soldier serum.
His full name Jacob Jastar.
Are you referencing JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure?
Mhm. Jacob’s Bizzare Semester.
I would like to see this video.
I don’t understand why people ruin a good hamburger by putting cheese on it.
I don’t understand why people ruin good cheese by putting a hamburger around it.
I don’t understand why people don’t understand the beautiful amalgum that is the cheeseburger.
I dont understand why most fast food places put pickles under all the other condiments.
Where else would you put pickles?
No where near my food.
I don;t understand how they haven’t come up with the Cheeseburger Pizza beforehand.
http://www.ohgizmo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/pizza-hut-cheeseburger-pizza-1.jpg
It’s a shame we don’t seem to have Pizza Huts in Germany. That looks delicious.
There’s a small pizza chain (Los Angeles only) that does all you can eat pizza. If they have the ingredients, they will take customer requests. My “friends” (who did not invite me) went there and requested BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger pizza. They said it was incredible.
If you’re ever in Wisconsin, try this place on for size — the Pizza Doctors, in La Crosse. PB&J, bratwurst and kraut, mac-and-cheese, or gyro pizza, anyone?
In BC Canada, there’s Red Tomato Pies. You can make a breakfast pizza, complete with maple syrup
What do you mean there are no Pizza Hut’s in Germany? There totally are. In most of the bigger cities.
Huh?
I remember a Pizza Hut on Bismarckplatz in Heidelberg about 1996 or so.
The reason I avoid Maccas burgers is cos they always add that revolting secret sauce to all their burgers.
I remember I used to love McDonalds but now I eat more at Carl’s.Jr
I hate living in a part of the country that calls Carl’s Jr. “Hardee’s.”
People do that?
The Carl’s Jr. parent company CKE bought Hardee’s in the mid-90s and half-assed the subsequent conversion, adopting the star but not the name.
I’ve eaten at both Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s — give me Hardee’s.
Actually, give me one of the old classic burger place like Pop Tate’s out of the old Archie’s comics.
In Australia, Burger King was renamed Hungry Jacks.
I thought they would have called jack in a box that.
Maybe that name was already taken too.
Mcdonald’s meat feels thin to me. Like I’m eating a bread sandwich with meat flavored bread in the middle.
Only thing I really liked about them were their fries, but now they seem so soggy now a days.
On the rare occasion I do eat at Maccas, it is for the Sausage McMuffin and Chocolate Sundaes.
I go maybe twice a year when they have a seasonal shake I want.
Nothing really against the place, it’s just that I worked there in high school, so I no longer have a taste for it. My first car always smelled like hamburger grease, took the joy out of it.
When it comes to the big name American fastfood joints that I will go to semi-regularly, it’s KFC, Subway and Pizza Hut, places like Maccas I can go more than a year without visiting.
I worked at Wendy’s, and would still eat there, but it’s usually not on my way.
Note to self: if ever in Australia, don’t eat at McDonald’s. That special sauce is only supposed to go on a Big Mac, not all the burgers.
The reason I avoid “Maccas” is because one time, they put cheese on my burger when I said “NO cheese” Americans have this obsession with putting cheese on burgers. If you ever go to any burger joint in the States, specify “no cheese” unless you want the stuff.
Sarah and Jacob got married 10 years later. Sarah just…never ran out of Joyce Gossip. They haven’t had a Joyce-free conversation since they met.
Their wedding vows might as well have been the Roast of Joyce.
Joyce, the bridesmaid, was horrified.
Horrified, but pleased that she’d actually successfully got Big Sis married.
Okay then, deeply conflicted. We are talking about open ridicule here.
Wouldn’t she be used to it by then, though, her friends already do this in front of her, to varying degrees.
Stories about roommates never die.
Can I just say that they are one of the cutest couples ever!?!!
Admit it, writing Joyce stories for Sarah is your favorite thing to do.
I didn’t really have to write this one.
It wrote itself?
waitaminute. “Joyce is autobiographical”… Are you gossiping about yourself?
So where is the Willis’ State of the Onion video? Don’t tell me it’s never been digitized or I’ll cry.
WHAT THE FUCK BIG SIS
The wonderful thing about Joyce is that she brings such joy to the lives of everyone she meets.
Yep. Joy, and other things.
Things like ce.
Seriously, are they just going to talk about Joyce all the time behind her back? I think there has to be a time where it gets old right?
That does seem like a likely near future possibility.
I don’t want to defend Sarah’s behavior, but is this still the first day that she’s using stories about Joyce to have a conversation with Jacob?
Yes, it is. Five minutes before class and maybe 5-10 minutes after class. We’re on DoA time folks.
Good point. Still, I hope the subject changes sooner than later.
I love how some of us some how managed to make tonight comment section about fast food.
That’s cos we’re trying to avoid Sarah’s mistake with talking only about Joyce.
The burger talk is a welcome distraction from Sarah’s dickish behavior.
Why stop at fast food burgers? Restaurant burgers are even better, along with homemade ones if you know what you’re doing.
And then there’s this website, which lists burger recipes, each narrated by Patrick Warburton.
Restaurant burgers… are always pretty tasty, but I dislike that they feel the need to make them freaking huge. Like, alright. I appreciate that it’s so much food for what I paid, but I won’t eat that much, and I can’t even eat it like a burger. The ingredients are usually delicious, but make the burger a meal for a fork, and that defeats the purpose in my mind.
That site, however, is a thing of wonder. Patrick Warburton can narrate anything and make it amazing. He makes Kronk one of the most disappointing characters in a movie to quote, because it’s just not going to be as good as the original actor.
For me the size of the burger is an issue if there’s a chance that it will get messy. With that in mind I don’t like to deal with many toppings on a large burger, other than bacon and (sometimes) cheese. Of course, a well-constructed and properly seasoned (and cooked) burger patty doesn’t need condiments or toppings.
I wish that site updated more often. It launched in 2009 with 30 recipes, with 10 more added in 2011. And while typing this I just learned that the cheese is narrated as well.
Gorgeous background. That archway, and the flowerbed!
I’m loving seeing that Sarah is not 100% bulletproof antisocial. It humanizes her a bit.
Aye. And that panel 3. Everyone in DoA is cute at some point or another except Mike. Even Joyce XD
When I was young, I hated onions, and the only onions I’d *eat* were the tiny white ones on McD’s burgers.
Now I love onions, would eat a slice of Vidalia between two slices of bread… and I haven’t had a McD’s burger in years.
Joyce knows the truth. Onions are the Devil’s vegetable! Evil I say!
Can I get an AMEN?
AMEN!
Sarah in panel 3 is so adorable. XD
It is good that they have a common interest. And they will never run out of stories with this – (puts sunglasses on) – Joyce of topic
A pun is the lowest form of humor….
if you didn’t think of it first.
I myself enjoy a good pun or two, three or four or maybe even more.
I kinda fear what will happen when Joyce finds out Sarah’s been telling all this stuff about her to Jacob. Ofcourse, is Jacob is a decent man, he will not tell it forwards, but still.
CRUMPLEPUNCH IS A VESSEL OF PROPHESY.
Joyce will ask what Sarah talked about with Jason.
There will be an awkward evasion.
SO SAYS CRUMPLEPUNCH.
McDonald’s-es in my part of Ohio, you need a court order and the local National Guard unit to get them to NOT automatically put cheese on the burger. Like their coffee though.
*That is to say, the slab of hydrocarbon sludge that it pleases us Yanks to call cheese.
I really can’t wait to see if Jacob’s sex addiction is a part of Dumbiverse Jacob’s as well. That can ONLY be funny when/if anything actually happens between Sarah and Jacob.
Quick question– does Joyce want burgers to taste like McDonald’s because those are the burgers she grew up with, or because McDonald’s was a rare treat (possibly never eaten until she got to college) that is exciting because it’s so rare?
I think it’s familiarity with what you grew up with. To me, Adam West is Batman, Cesar Romero is the Joker, Sean Connery will always be James Bond, Jay Silverheels is Tonto (Johnny Depp should be ashamed of himself), and I can’t understand how anybody could think of remaking classics like Don McLean’s “American Pie”.
Ah, yes, American Pie. Don McLean’s epic 8.5-minute whine about the state of music, released the same year as Led Zeppelin IV, Who’s Next, and Aqualung.
Now now, let’s not say things that aren’t necessarily true. The official story is that the song is wholly up to interpretation.
I’d always been under the impression that it was about the deaths of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper in a plane crash
I remember the “OMG, those are onions?!” freakout.
…When I was seven.
I never had that particular freakout.
Then again, I used to take ONION SANDWICHES to school everyday ‘cos I liked the flavour. Raw onion… my friends didn’t even mind.
“But seriously, Sarah, keep talking about Joyce. Like, is she still dating Ethan? And does she ever talk about me? Basically what I’m saying is I’d like to hit that.”
Sample Gates! Was just there a couple of weeks ago when I was visiting my family.
David Willis–I hope you realize that all the visual references to IU were the reason I started reading this comic. Thank you.
All I can say is, we’d better get a flashback comic of the onion incident.
Anybody else unable to load the comic? I can load everything on the page except the comic image itself. Even if I view the image directly, it just shows the address/file name instead of the comic.
I FOUND WILLIS AT ECCC. IT WAS LIKE A TREASURE HUNT. BUT I FOUND HIM.
Every burger eaten each morning represents one less vampire that might have been repulsed that night. Fight the legions of the undead. Eat a salad.