[also where’s the glitter]
“It’s insufficiently sparkly!”
poor sarah. those were new batteries.
Should’ve get those Energizer batteries.
It’s OK, they’re totally the re-chargeable kind.
She looks so adorable in the fourth panel.
Well, they do share THOSE 8V
Only scissor sisters share those
Shouldn’t they have the doubleheader?
Some creepy old dude took the last one in stock.
what the FUCK was that??
Requiem for a Dream.
Terrifying is what that was…
That’s kinda gross Xo
[hope they at least condom them up first]
I think that’s how you get AIDS. Well, one of many exciting ways.
Not the cndom thing. That might help, but there’s always bleach, or just hygiene I guess.
Ah, the rabbit. Old reliable. Good choice Sarah.
Looks more like the Eager Beaver. Rabbit has two ears on the clit vibe
These things have friggin’ names?!
Of cause they do, which would you use, something called The Playful Porpoise or Item 4J-0900V?
As I’m a male…if something intended for male pleasure were called “The Playful Porpoise”….well mostly I’d just be curious.
It depends on how eager you are to poke your G-spot.
Well, considering men technically *have* a g-spot(although the prostate is a close approximation) I would assume that most mean aren’t very eager to poke it.
Sooo… not the time for me to mention that there are toys available for men that are designed to stimulate the p-spot? (Legit called that, I did not make that name up)
Toys for girls have cutesy names involving animals that might be pets. If men named sex toys, it would be called the Orgasmatron or something intimitading, like the the quivering fang.
Is The Fleshlight suitably intimidating?
How about Hazel the Werewolfess, or Mary the Anthro Mare?
Those sound intimidating.
Hazel the Warewolfess sounds kinda hot.
Well a quick search found me the following sex toys for men:
The Ample Invader, Men’s Pleasure Wand, Big-Boy Anal Vibe, and The Prostatic Explorer. The other names were all boring things like ‘5 function prostate massager’. So, yeah, more toward intimidating than cutesy I guess.
The Prostatic Explorer!
The worst new series from Discovery Channel.
I am not letting any of those things near my body!
Maybe a different “aisle” for Masturbators: Backdoor Betty, Noon’Her Naomi, Realistic Doggy Style, Shag’n Sally, Geisha Self-Heating Love Skin®, The Super Head Honcho….
Something like that, but Orgasmatron is already taken.
And totally worth it. Seriously. I have one, and are amazing.
The Orgasmaton is a toy that exists o.o And it’s M/F
Woody Allen already has one named: Mid- 1970’s comedy “Sleeper” , you do need an Orb for best results
Orgasmatron, great now I’m going to have the Motorhead song stuck in my head all day
Actually the orgasmatron is a toy intended for women who prefer gyrations to vibrations, not joking it has about five powerful attachments .
I always get skeeved out by how cutesy they try to make female sex toys.
Everything has names. How else do you tell them apart?
Then my name shall be whatever the name of that river is.
any gargoyle reference brightens my day
What do you call the mouse shadow on the second moon?
I know how you feel. I’m named for the River Jerden.
Sure, Tunaro, where did you think the name “Steely Dan” came from?
Oh, BLESS YOU. I am grinning SO HARD right now.
Read The Naked Lunch sometime 😀
Serious as a heart attack. Refer to “Naked Lunch” by William Burroughs.
Of course: Marketing
I remember a product called the Eager Beaver, it was a combo sweeper/vacuum cleaner back in the 80s.
It has since hit lv 30 and evolved into Eager Beaver 2.0 the super exta deluxe turbo edition sex toy
I remember a show called Angry Beavers. Is that close enough?
Yes, I was so disappointed with that show. So not what I imagined when I heard the name.
The avatar just makes this really self-congratulatory.
Wait, there are names for those?
This one is named “Jacob”.
I would’ve expected it to be bigger….and unstoppable.
That’s cos the one called Jacob costs too much, she has to settle for ‘Little Joe’ for now. 😛
Or it could have some huge risk…but think of the prize.
…And now DoA Jacob will forever be ME Jacob.
Don’t know about you, but when I think of The Prize, I expect beheading and shouts of “There can be only one!”
I think of the Entire Prize.
I thought a rabbit had two ears? That said, yes. She probably had a bullet in there too. I see Sarah as a classic kind of girl.
Alright everyone. Come up with a name for a vibrator. This will be a fun thread.
The Jostler 3400 series.
The Stevie wounder
I would totes buy a vibrator named the Robin DeSanto.
Willis, any chance you can make this happen?
The Serve-X Scratcher.
The Cave Explorer?
The Gurren Longan.
The vibrator that’ll pierce the Heavens.
I would’ve gone with the Shin Liger…but that works too.
The Rainbow Gash… for MLP fans.
The Horn of the Unicorn. Why do you think it adds 700 attack points?
King Sombra’s Broken Horn.
Feels so good it’s like time stops. It really steamrolls ya!
Well, Star Platinum is a tad better. Rapid action fire action and it has The World.
Who are we kidding.
Let’s get the
SUNLIGHT YELLOW OVERDRIVE v1800.
How ’bout the Pretty Princess Pony Piercer 2000 : bedazzled edition
Pinkie Pie’s Surprise.
The Defenestrator (sal’s favorite)
The Wiggling Wonder Wang!
I like alliteration.
Tastes like a cherry pie.
Oh Joy Sex Toy.
For those of you wondering: http://www.ohjoysextoy.com
Oooh, new comic. And I like it already. <3 Thanks! <3
The Orgasmatron 8000. It’s gas powered. And there’s a year waiting list. Can you wait that long for some c**k?
The Joy Stick
Do your girl justice in bed for once…
it’s just a fist that vibrates.
IS that a Dexter based dildo? That button look awfully familiar
The one piece of merchandise Joyce is unlikely to buy.
She’ll just kinda buy it and keep it in box so that she can say she owns every piece of merchandise.
Or she could repurpose it as an actual back massager.
Well, at least it’s much better idea than using a gun as a back massager.
“Your gun is digging into my hip.”
Yes Joyce, its like a lower-back massager but it scratches the itch from your insides.
That does sound incredibly relaxing.
Or as a hair curler.
It’s the HEAD Alien.
You are the best. That is all.
Exactly what I thought when I saw it.
you did NOT
I like to imagine her clearing the leap up to that bunk in a single bound.
She can pray as fast as a locomotive.
Didn’t we already go over Joyce’s superpowers?
multiple times, my young padawan, multiple times
Lol, that’s all Sarah has?
Girl’s on a budget
Two small ones or one big one?
Save on battery costs.
She keeps her industrial strength toys in a secret box.
I’ll bet she does. Couldn’t help myself.
You mean the box with the secret string?
Well, Joyce isn’t pulling them ALL out at once
and Sarah said she had toyS
I had completely forgotten about that one.
Well, the alt-text does say there’s no gloves in the drawer, so… No, I don’t think it is.
“Lol, that’s all Sarah has?”
No, that was just the handiest one.
Joyce will be burning her hand off if she ever find out what it really is and where it has been.
Joyce’s hand would just dissolve from the knowledge. It would cease to be.
I think it would just turn evil like Ash’s hand in Evil Dead 2, and she’d have to cut it off.
She’d make the most of it and put Dexter’s claw on the stump. “Trufan unlocked!”
Like…Far out man.
Groovy to the MAX.
More like WASH her hands with a nail brush until they bleed.
wash hands in bleach
shower in bleach
break out the brain bleach
drink the bleach
become the bleach
We stand in awe at that which cannot be made to stop buzzing loudly.
Well, at least she doesn’t think its a hair curler or something…
That would be completely ridiculous and I’m sure we’d never see it in a Willis comic ever!
Yeah, your totally right. Silly of me to even bring it up.
That was my thought as well!
And then Sarah walks in.
“Why is that box buzzing?”
Er, drawer, not box.
Also, Joyce now recognizes the noise that wakes her some nights.
Oh, JOYCE. I don’t think Sarah’s going to be sharing THAT with you.
(… She might be convinced to help you go shopping, though. If it didn’t completely break your brain.)
I think she’d do it especially if it breaks your brain. Sarah and Joyce may be all buddy buddy but Sarah DOES like teasin’ the shit out of Joyce (not literally though)
Well, yes, but she can’t go shopping WITH Joyce when Joyce is already totally short-circuited.
I wouldn’t underestimate Joyce’s curiosity. She can act like she knows what’s up, but underneath she’d give the Elephant’s Child a run for his money.
Fell out of my chair laughing at this one. Now I want to see her face when Sarah tells her what it is.
you kidding? I wanna see how SARAH reacts to this
“Well, it was gonna happen EVENTUALLY.”
I’m eager to see Sarah’s reaction to Joyce’s curiosity and ignorance/innocence.
New story for Jacob.
Jacob: “Y’know, I found something like that in one of Ethan’s drawers, too.”
Only his was as big as my arm.
“And it was, in fact, shaped like an arm with a fist.”
“And another one was kind of a cupped hand shape.”
Given the topic of discussion, there is simply no way in hell I’m clicking that link!
Don’t worry, it’s just a Rickroll 😉
“Will Arnett wielding a motor-powered fisting machine” is the new Rickroll?
A baby’s arm holding an apple, amirite?
“You’re sucking on my elbow.”
Except Ethan’s likely looks kinda like this and is plausibly custom made ;D
Or this even because photobucket is getting stupider every time I use it:
In the immortal words of George Takai, “Oh my!”
joyce no get out of that drawer
Nice tastes, Sarah.
Don’t worry Joyce, that’s Sarah’s toy drawer!
Warning: toy drawer does not contain Barbies, Transformers, My Little Ponies, or any real toy a mother would give to her child
Well, she does have Woody and Buzz.
You sir have just made my day
To infinity and beyond indeed.
Actually, Toy Story 4 is going to be subtitled “Mom’s Toys”.
And the main characters are still named ‘Woody’ and ‘Buzz’.
Are they still voiced by Hanks and Allen?
“Yes, ma’am, I’m holding a big Woody here.”
“Is this toy for boys or girls?”
Q: Do you operate it with your genitals?
Y: This toy is not for boys or girls.
N: This toy is for boys and girls.
Going back to earlier, what would Joyce think of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Would it be cute or would it be witchcraft?
eh, Celestia is clearly an allegory for the Almighty, like that other one, the big cat from that book series.
Celestia is the evil one who banished her sister into solitary confinement for partying all night?
Isn’t that what god did to Lucy?
technically, a vibrator is not controlled by the genitals. It is used to control the genitals.
“Do you operate it… WITH your genitals?”
as in, “Do you cook… with wine?”
In the latter, the wine is not the thing doing the cooking, but a supplement to the operation. I was going to say “use with/on” but I believe that was the original phrasing in the joke.
Ewww. I hope Sarah keeps those SANITARY.
“Just try to think about something else, like how there’s no sink in there.”
“So what if the- OH MY GOD! THERE’S NO SINK!”
You don’t need a sink, just some rubbing alcohol. Hand sanitizer can sanitize more than just hands.
It can also “sanitize” sobriety. Filthy, filthy sobriety.
Also, Sarah is the practical kind if lady who might buy the special cleaning wipes many companies offer.
I thought she would have figured it out from her Google search for strap-ons.
It’s just like a strap-on…but even more lonely.
1 is the loneliest number.
But all you need is 2 batteries to forget about all that
D size batteries if I recall correctly.
She wants the D!!!!
The double D toi be exact. 😀
Never knew that Double D is a chick magnet. I thought Ed’s the only chick magnet.
Ya kidding me? Nerdy brains over Oafish strength every day xD
Thanks for the EE&E reference btw ^_^
D? M…y roommate’s totally only takes double A. It’s a cheapie, then again.
So I’ve heard. Ahem.
Really, most of the ones I am familiar with take double a, usually four.
She doesn’t recognize it without glitter.
or the belt
There’s no sink in the room. (Archer reference)
This is the best one. It’s all down hill from here.
She could still call in Dina to investigate for her.
Well, the secret is out. Sarah is a Jedi, and that’s how she knew to go to that party with the bat. You found her lightsaber handle.
Feel the Force FLOWING through you.
There is no part of this that I don’t love.
I’m now picturing Joyce actually using it as a microphone.
“Dooon’t stop… Beliiiieeeving! Hee hee. It tickles my hand”
Just like Rammstein
Could you be refering to Rammstein’s Pussy?
Actually I was referring to the dildo-microphone Till uses in the music video for Ich Tu Dir Weh:
“Sarah Performs a Nope”, the next Slipshine comic where we see what Sarah REALLY does when she walks away from the storyline/character development.
So “sitting alone in your room and quietly fuming at the world’s idiocy” was just code?
She was nervous and fumbled her words. The phrase she was looking for is “letting off some steam”. Sitting alone in your room and quietly letting off some steam over the world’s idiocy while wearing a mouth guard to prevent enamel wear.
Noted, although my comment above was for fatuousness.
I am at lost for words….never seen the thing in real life, really.
“Sarah, I smell your lightsaber.“
You know, it’s a good idea to put your nose real close to a lightsaber….unless you really hate your nose.
Eh, those things are a gyp.
Well, it’s against Brock Sampson. You know, Ash William’s great, great, great grandson.
To be fair, that thing was built by “Dr.” Venture. I suppose his brother could’ve made one that was actually lethal.
Well, it still looks cool.
Laser Swords at Dawn
Ew it has the butt part. Grown-ups are grooooss.
That’s not a butt part, man.
Vibrators are also wierd!!!
Sweet, innocent Yotomoe.
Innocence is Wierd!!!
I know, poop comes out of butts after all.
…how do you know less about women’s sex toys than I do? I don’t even like ladyparts?
I find them gross. And I’m straight. It’s really wierd.
Might I respectfully suggest that a lack of information and understanding may be coloring your perception? May I recommend ohjoysextoy, the toy review webcomic, and a tenga 3d for some self-acquaintance?
Seconded, OJST is supremely interesting even if you’re not making any purchases. It’s downright educational, and on topics you might have difficulty learning about elsewhere.
Everything’s gross D: Toys are gross. Hands are where it’s at!
Ah, but our dexterous hands have allowed us as a species to build tools to help us in every aspect of our life. I admit some toys are more tasteful than others, realistic one are a bit uncanny valley for me, but quite a few are really rather artful.
Friend, that is the BEST part.
The “butt part” is actually the clit tickler. It is positioned so that when the big part is inside, the little part is in juuuuuuuust the right spot for a little external stimulation.
To Be Continued… on Slipshine.
Hey the batteries are still good!
Continuity error? maybe?
Must’ve been new batteries.
Oh good. I think shirtless Jacob is coming up soon. She’ll need that.
So. Now we know that Sarah’s needs aren’t going unattended.
Well…partially? Y’know…like owning a dog when you really want a child.
Unlike children, you don’t need to pay for your dog’d college.
And they don’t ask much.
But they won’t support you in your old age. Also they will die pretty quickly and so you have to spend more time being sad.
only DoA comments could make this kind of analogy work so long
Not really, no.
Yeah, but if your dog is an asshole you can get rid of it and get a nicer one.
Apparently you didn’t know about a certain pink dog.
Forreal. That dog supported them in their old age and REFUSED to die quickly ahah I <3 Courage
Why You Should Never Ever Ever Get a Tattoo (But Having a Baby Is Fine)
Unless all you really want is a dog right now and you’re perfectly fine with just the dog. Maybe some day you’ll have the child or maybe you won’t. Some people are fine with just dogs, y’know?
Basically, what I’m saying is, sex with yourself is totally a valid life choice and does not neccessarily have to be a subtitute for anything else.
+1 from a libidoist asexual!
She already established she had toys to give her the only thing she needs from boys.
Destruction of Joyce’s innocence one comic at a time.
By the end of university…Joyce will be broken.
in a good way
I love absolutely everything about this strip. Just laughed out loud at 6 in the morning, well done, a+++, 10/10, would read again.
[evil laughing begins and intensifies]
Yep, your younger self would be reeling from this comic.
Come to think of it, “Monkey Master” would be the perfect name for that device, whatever it is.
That really totally does sound like the name of a vibrator.
And now I know that I’m ignorant of vibrator naming conventions.
This could be the opening to the next Dumbing of Age Pornagraphique.
Rub it on your tummy, Joyce.
Now you need latex gloves to switch it off. 😛
There’s no tag for that bad boy?
Maybe it’s an electrical ear cleaner.
(Bonus points if anyone gets the movie reference)
Well, if she didn’t suspect it’s a dildo, she wouldn’t be looking at it from so far away, with a tight grip on her bed, now would she?
Also, what’s that small part for if it’s not for her butt?
It’s for clitoral stimulation.
I think she was just scared from the noise and the sudden vibrating.
There’s a good and bad ending to this. The good: Joyce discovers the female orgasm and is more comfortable with her own sexuality as a result.
The bad ending: Ruthless catches Joyce and publicly embarrasses her.
The DAMMIT WILLIS ending: Sarah has a venereal disease that is passed on to Joyce.
Between this and Walky Performs a Sex, DoA is oddly starting to enter Menage a 3 territory. And I’m strangely okay with that.
Aaaaaaannd its back to the sweater vests for Joyce…
kick it into the hallway, it might still be alive
You can’t rule that out so quickly though Joyce, try holding it closer to you face.
I’d ask what the hook is for, but I might not want to know.
For the clitoris.
I’m sure Willis can draw a Slipshine if you need illustration =3
Oh. I thought maybe it was an anal thing, what you said is less disgusting.
Actually, some girls use it for that.
so joyce isn’t the only one who is amazingly unfamiliar with vibrators
I never really had a use for one.
Me neither, but I still figured it out.
After seeing the number of people whose first instinct is to think that it’s for the butt instead of the clitoris, I’m starting to understand why the female orgasm has a reputation for being so elusive…
Like iDevices, sex toys satisfy needs you never even knew you had.
No, I mean I’m anatomically incompatible with vibrators.
Incompatible with their mainstream use at least…
This poor guy doesn’t have a butthole!
LOL – but no, I’m not into shoving things there, so it doesn’t count.
Vibrators can also be attached to penises, you know, and can be enjoyable for both people involved. They even have disposable versions in with the condoms in the pharmacy section.
The more you know.
Also, its hilariously incorrect to think sex toys are only for women. While I’ve never used em (on myself, at least ;), guys have assholes, prostates, testicles, penises, and nipples: the possibilities are endless.
Ya can also use dildos on your partner if you don’t feel comfortable usin’ one on yourself! Sexy fun for everyone involved!
I feel kinda like a Joyce right now.
Sarah is gonna be *pissed* the next time she goes to use that and the batteries are dead.
And it’s been rolling around on the floor, that can’t be sanitary.
Not really a big deal. That’s the least of “my” problems.
Well its not a bumblebee.
And there’s no sink in the room….
I’m always losing my gloves in my vibrator drawer.
Ah, aside from the Juvenile Humor Factor, why didn’t Joyce just go outside the building and pick up her gloves? Or better yet, why doesn’t she just go shopping and buy herself a pair of cool gloves?
Next pornographique will be about Sarah having some solo time. I might be wrong, but now, I can tell you “Ha, see, I was right!” if it happens.
Funny as this is, I’m a bit perplexed why Joyce would be rooting around the drawer without looking in it. Even if she can identify gloves by Braille, wouldn’t it be faster to just look?
At least she didn’t scream.
Does the bible say anything against female masturbation or is it just implied? I know men aren’t supposed to put their seed in the ground, and yer not supposed to lust over other people before marriage but if you somehow managed to not think of someone while you did it, would it be Christian?
Kathleen, back in my days of living with a rule-based faith as my main priority, the question you just posed would torture me. You framed it exactly as I would think over it. I still have no answers….but my faith is more fluid and mystical now (think Alan Watts ) and I just accept ambiguities as a beautiful part of life…..and I have a lot more inner peace because of it
Hopefully this becomes a full Joyce storyline. With her budding sexually it would be nice to see her at another crossroads with her faith and her feelings.
I have a feeling she’d be one of those wondering if she would even still be a virgin if she used one of those.
Of course, Onan’s deal was that he was supposed to be knocking up his brother’s wife and pulled out, so the connection to masturbation is pretty tenuous. Even if the passage is taken as a general rule against jizz on the ground, it doesn’t say anything about gym socks or tissues.
Masturbation = lust
Lust = sin
It’s just that easy. Plus, in the patriarchy/purity culture, which is at the very least an influence on Joyce’s family, having sexual thoughts is considered morally equivalent to cheating on your future husband.
The real question is, if one were to masturbate without ANY impure thoughts at all, would the penis stay hard to ALLOW the masturbation to actually occur?
Frankie say: Relax, don’t do it.
Say “Hello” to my little friend!
Not all that little.
I thought Joyce had read up thoroughly on ‘sparkly plastic man-dangles’… then again, she may have scrubbed her mind clean of such info, afterwards…
Pity, she could really use of these, to deal with her… strange dreams…
I was wondering the same. A strap-on looks most likely very similiar to a vibrator, after all.
I maybe she’s in some sort of denial here, because she doesn’t want to think too much about the sex life of her room mate?
The hook bit might’ve thrown her off.
*dies of laughter*
That’s an odd looking Sonic Screwdriver.
This is pretty much the best thing.
I shall call it the pump action shotgun!
You continue to be a genius in comic storytelling. Happy, happy, happy. Don’t you ever quit.
Willis, can it be canon that Amazigirl owns this “batman” themed dildo, because Batman? I kind of want one just because, Batman, don’t you?
Joyce is having a rather unique and enlightening morning so far. At fhis point anything can happen.
Joyce, no! What would Chastity Churchmouse think about this?
Hey, it doesn’t count if it’s made of plastic.
actually, silicone is much more sanitary and prefered. Plastic harbors bacteria.
She’s not 23 though, so her dad owns her vagina.
Also Willis, TIL how young your user base is.
How patronizing and accepting of the Madonna-Whore dichotomy is the user base?!
Feminism is dead.
I think Joyce should educate herself by reading the webcomic http://www.ohjoysexytoy.com . Then, when she encounters the random vibrator, she’ll know exactly what it is and how well it performs. 😉
Man Sarah that is one nice ( and pricy ) sex toy you got there.
We’ll I’ve binge read all of dumbing of age, I now has something to fill the gap when shortpacked finished. Though I can’t help but imagine the following scene when I read Monday’s shortpacked
Shortpacked: you reek of binge reading…you’ve been reading dumbing of age haven’t you? Haven’t you?
Me: No shortpacked, you’re the only walkyverse comic for me
Shortpacked: don’t lie to me! It’s because she’s younger isn’t it!
(Despite all the doubt and friendship related paranoia the inside of my head is a really fun place to be at times)
Sarah, you should put your toys in a clearly labled opaque box, along with anything else people don’t want to know about. No one would open a box labled “sex toys.”
… That’d be the first box they open!
Oh, Joyce. X-toy!
Question is who is going to be more embarrassed?
My comments got deleted? I’m just curious as to why, Willis, and I’d really appreciate an explanation. Thanks!
New commenters have to have their posts approved by me first before they appear on the page.
They were not deleted. I was just taking a nap.
Sees comic, laughs.
Sees comments section, “WTF did I just walk into?”
It’s The Milkshake Maker from Ronco, Joyce. Just put ice cream and milk in a glass, turn the MM on and stick in in. In minutes, you have a nice frothy milkshake and don’t worry, it’s waterproof. Nothing is more pleasurable than a good milkshake. Offer void where prohibited by law.
Does it bring all the boys to the yard?
I didn’t think we’d come back to this so soon haha first strap-ons now vibrators
We have all had this weird moment as a child.
Yes, I’m willing to bet even you,Yotomoe.
I can’t believe in over 300 comments, nobody has asked for a large version of panel 3. Panel 3 is comedy gold. Panel 3 is the punchline of the comic, as far as I’m concerned.
I can’t believe Willis actually takes requests from the comments section, as opposed to Tumblr or Twitter.
FGBLOTD…priceless. Better than a dog with a bone.
While I was expecting a vibrator joke to show up eventually, I anticipated it to be Dina finding it, then wandering around the floor asking people what it was.
And to Sarah, you should look into the Hitachi Magic Wand, that sucker plugs into the wall, and has a VERY powerful motor. And technically it is a legitimate muscle massager, so you have a cover story if somebody does see it.
Panel 3: wide eyes
Panel 5: sudden sharp intake of breath in place of public gales of laughter
“What is … describe your reaction to this strip?”
Well played once again, Willis.
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Who is the Bad-assest? (2015 edition)
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