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Olga Nesterova @onestpress.onestnetwork.com ⋅ 3h
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SDCC 1229
“it’s .̷͓̇~̴̜̀~̸̿ͅ.̷̝̿~̵̢́^̶̪͆*̸͇̚*̵̳̽.̴̙̽*̴͎̊^̵̦̕MAGIC^̴̣͒*̴͕̓.̷̝̕*̸̜͐*̶̭͛^̴͍̈́~̵̘̿.̴͕͑~̴̺̅~̶̤̄.̴̘̓ up to the time it absolutely doesn’t work”
Oh, it works fine. It’s just that Fuckface controls the suggestions, not Joyce.
He’s currently suggesting Sarah give him some lettuce.
Fuckface has been nerfed in the jump between universes
+1
It’s like the sequel to a video game- all the old strategies have been nerfed. Devs want us to use the new, sparkly fresh stuff!
But maybe we just want to wear lizards on our heads.
“But maybe we just want to wear lizards on our heads.”
This is a deep and profound truth.
hopefully they’ll fix that in the next patch
The devs can nerf him until he’s inert, and we’ll still see comments complaining “Fuckface is OP”.
I play exactly one video game and I play it occasionally and on the PC. Sadly this resonates.
Sup TF2 buddy? I’ve been playing it off and on since The Orange Box launched and it’s been declared dead at least every few months for the last few years…
Yes, be less sarcastic.
Joyce, it’s only a -1 to their will saves, don’t expect to part the Red Sea with that lizard.
Wait, Moses made the Red Sea fail a will save?
Of course. I thought everybody knew that.
He used ‘intimidation’ and it buckled under the pressure.
No, he made everyone else think he parted the Red Sea, and they walked across without noticing how wet they were getting.
Hard to picture, but hey, you’re the Time Lord.
it’s a masterwork item, it gives a +2 to diplomacy
If Fuckface wasn’t green, I would suspect a Mulberry Ioun Stone.
Maybe it just amplifies already present traits? So it makes Sarah ULTRA sarcastic, and Joyce disrespect boundaries EVEN MORE.
It makes Carla ULTRA CAR-la.
… Mike must never meet Fuckface.
So is she just gonna walk around all day like that or…?
I cannot imagine Malaya allowing Joyce to keep FF on her head all day.
Why not? He IS her iguana now, after all.
Finders, keepers!
On the contrary. Fuckface has adopted Joyce in much the same way cats adopt a⃥n⃥ ⃥o⃥w⃥n⃥e⃥r⃥ support staff.
…we do have HTML tags for
strikethroughhere (and whatever you tried with Unicode didn’t work on my system)…Works fine for me…
That’s absolutely something cats will do. One of my neighbor’s indoor/outdoor cats decided “fuck this, I’m out” one day, and moved in with a family down the street. (It wasn’t abused or anything, they’re just the type to leave food and a box out and call the cats in every night, but otherwise leave them to their own devices.) Now it’s exclusively an indoor cat, and it’s pampered and showered with attention every day.
Joyce is a convenient heat source for Fuckface right now, but I bet he’ll crawl right back onto Malaya’s head once she finds them.
“Joyce is a convenient heat source for Fuckface right now, but I bet he’ll crawl right back onto Malaya’s head once she finds them.”
I sense that Fuckface may be a metaphor.
Fuckface’s powers might get her some bonus points if she lets him tag along to class… although I think Joyce is too good to intentionally use his powers for that.
Might be hard to hide him from the authorities if so.
Then again, maybe Fuckface’s powers extend precisely to ‘make anyone in a position of power overlook the iguana on a student’s head’? I’d accept that.
Sorry, Joyce, but she’s too cynical for that magic to work.
i hate to break it to you joyce, but if sarah *weren’t* sarcastic, the world would probably end
also rip tropical storm joyce
So it’s a win-win for Joyce.
Joyce, I don’t think you understand what is actually going on around you. In other news, the sky is still blue, Mike is still an asshole and I’m still grumpy.
Perfect profile pic is perfect.
I’m already looking forward to going through the comments archive in 3-5 years, when Willis (most likely) next changes the avatar roulette; just to see if Kyrik’s profile pic still is perfect.
Come on Sarah, don’t be cold blooded! That’s Fuckface’s job!
… Ruth is going to see Fuckface, isn’t she?
Unless I’m quite mistaken (which I freely admit I could be), Ruth is not Malaya’s RA. Therefore Fuckface will be hidden by an S.E.P. (somebody else’s problem) field and this will be unnoticeable to Ruth unless she actively tries to trick herself into noticing him. Anyone who’s read the late great Douglas Adams can see this.
Originally that was true, but Billie got traded for Malaya and now Ruth is Malaya’s RA just as she was Billie’s.
Thank you, I’d forgotten that little detail (I knew Billie was traded, but forgot Malaya was the other end of that trade). Oh well, hopefully Ruth will recognise that FuckFace’s femurs are too small for her to bother with (Malaya’s femurs are a seperate issue).
Fuckface might be giving you advantage on your Persuasion checks, Joyce, but Sal’s DC is too high for your proficiency modifier.
And then Joyce went directly to Hell forever because she used WITCHCRAFT
Jack Chick’s latest posthumously-published tract, “IGUANAS: The Devil’s Reptile”
Hasn’t some apprentice taken over Chick Tracts? (Especially since I think some of them were ghostwritten in his later years.) I mean, they’ll never have the same nearly-charming failure of storytelling, proselytizing, or painting the religion and deity they’re supposed to promote as anything but horrifying and the nonbelievers as having lived under rocks for the last 2000 years, but I guarantee it’ll be written by someone who’s never seen an iguana in their life and thinks they’re a plot by the Devil!
Chick Track:
Nonbeliever: Oh ho, time to go kill some babies.
Believer: NO! Killing babies is wrong.
Nonbeliever: Says who?
Believer: Jesus!
Nonbeliever: Who?
Believer: Our savior who will smite and destroy all baby-killers come the apocalypse, which is NOW
Nonbeliever: Oh my gosh! How do I avoid this horrifying apocalypse!
Believer: You can’t. *kicks him into fissure which has appeared behind him* BUT YOU CAN, READER!
Yeah, but a real Chick Tract would go on for at least three more pages to get the same information.
Wait, chick tracts are named after a person?
Jack Chick. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Chick
Bummer.
Sarah’s last speech bubble makes Fuckface look like a little Dimetrodon.
i think everyones just noticing how cute Dorothy is juxtaposed against fuckface and developing instant crushes
I’ve played MassEffect, now I see all lizards as HAWT
What’s Dorothy got to do with this?
Do you mean Joyce?
Dorothy was very cute in yesterday’s strip
Meanwhile, it’s Gator Hater Week in Tennessee–and a four-foot alligator was caught in the state. Whether it was wild or just BBQ on the hoof, we don’t know just yet.
*plays “Crocodile Rock” on the hacked Muzak*
C’mon, Joyce, you’re testing your new powers on all the wrong subjects. Go get Dorothy, make her take a break from studying. A real one this time, one that’s good for her. Or, heck, maybe just a nap.
Make her take a shower longer than strictly necessary, followed by a nice, relaxed breakfast containing plenty of protein and carbohydrates and exactly as much sugar as she pleases. Then let her block out a good hour or so to just listen to music or a podcast, something not related to her classwork at all. (She can listen to the riveting nonfiction stuff later.) And then after class, she can have structured productive I Feel Motivated To Continue study time for ninety minutes, and then another break. And a nap somewhere in there, plus twelve hours sleep tonight. Fuckface Demands It.
(Honestly twelve hours is probably low-balling the sleep she needs given she’s clearly been operating on sleep deprivation for a while, but baby steps. The weekend, though? In her bed, alarm off. Studying is not self-care, Dorothy.)
Dang, Regalli, you rea- I-I mean, dang, Fuckface really knows what’s good.
I have had a lot of time to think of how much of a break Dorothy needs and what she’d likely accept to get her to take one already. And so has Fuckface.
Wonder when Malaya will notice Fuckface is gone. Will she be mad?
Joyce and Sarah’s dynamic remains one of my favorites.
And Carla is free to talk about herself whenever, she’s a treasure.
In this case, Joyce, I do believe you’ll be seeing the opposite of your suggestion.
Don’t steal pets, Joyce.
Lock up your pets and boy friends because Joyce Brown is here to steal them all.
Fuckface has a perfectly nice tank, with a heat lamp and lots of space and branches and stuff. Fuckface has a perfectly nice room, with even more space and warmth and high places. The outside in Indiana in October is not where Fuckface should be, Joyce. (Also, do not give iguanas blankets, Joyce. It won’t help.)
Fuckface wasn’t in his tank to start with. That’s not on Joyce.
Nor has she taken him outside. Or even into the hall. She’s in her room, which is attached to theirs.
Let’s not blow this up to be more than it is.
No, but if we’re saying ‘don’t steal pets Joyce’ that’s the most likely thing Joyce would do in the process of stealing Fuckface. Joke is a joke.
I don’t know. Some people seem to be saying it pretty seriously.
She steals pets she totally steals pets.
I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER NOT TO!!!
You would have had to tell hee three months ago, when this strip was written.
AND THAT WAS MY UNDOING!!!
FOOOL!
Wait, Bagge’s comments don’t echo across time and space to be heard at least three months before and after they were first uttered? Do nobody’s comments do that?
I thought that was one of the perks you could pick up after posting here long enough. Now I feel disillusioned!
In case I don’t see you in the coming week, merry Christmas.
Aww, thanks, same to y- wait a second…
*Gasp*
Then imagine how I feel.
If it’s any consolation, Joyce probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.
Joyce just has like no concept of boundaries whatsoever does she? Like who just takes someone’s pet?
Same person who tries to take someone’s boyfriend?
Though I feel I must add I rather like Fuckface more than Jacob.
While both of them display a talent to being remarkably oblivious to what is happening around them, I will grant you that Fuckface has the better excuse in that he can hardly be expected to be interested in the business of mammals.
Mammals are weird
They are however warm. Which is nice.
Everyone has their purpose
But she needs to steal pets from the popular people then dress them up like the popular people.
That sounds… more awesome than it should, honestly.
And lock them in her shed.
The popular people?
sure, let’s go with that.
ALL OF THEM ARE MINE
http://oi66.tinypic.com/wrki7a.jpg
Love Rachel Bloom.
and I promise to use these powers to do good… ish
Fuckface is the best hat!
I’m surprised she’s not freaking out about having a giant clawy lizard sitting on her head
Maybe that’s Fuckface’s real power: To make the hairless apes unconcerned about him sitting on their heads.
Nice to see Joyce and Fuckface get along
Just like my family tradition of wearing a stuffed dog on the head.
Wait, Christians totally believe in Magic.
If you pray to Satan you get magic powers like all those witches in Salem.
And if you pray to Jesus he performs miracles (magic). And if you pray really really hard you more powerful spells / miracles from Jesus.
And if that sounds like Clerical magic from D&D…. where did you think they got it from.
Joyce is autobiographical, mind – and if my own experience is something to go by, I was raised to believe that, essentially, “the Devil’s stuff is fake, not real; none of the powers he offers you can do anything.”
Carol seem to have a slightly different attitude, if Walky’s phone conversation with her is anything to go by
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-5/02-threes-a-crowd/hail/
“Thank you, hail Jesus, Amen, communion waffers, catcha later”
There was a difference, mind, between “Satan’s power to harm you (but only if you let him by not following Jesus)” and “Satan’s power that he offers you” – one, I was taught, was real; the other one, no.
@King Daniel
HERESY. Teh Devil power is totally real and he totally can (give you power) / (do things for you) if you pray to him. That is why we had to burn those witches across the centuries who very clearly had magic powers as many, many witnesses will tell you.
But your statement is interesting. I always read the book burning of Harry Potter as “this encourages people to worship Satan who will give his followers actual magic power which will be used against us good people”.
But your version is that Harry Potter “encourages people who want magic to worship Satan who will clearly talk to them and will PRETEND to give them magic powers but he can’t”.
Now my young heathen I will tell you why your version is heretical. Your version implies that Satan is physically incapable of (giving people magic powers) / (doing things his followers ask him to do). This is hilarious because this means that Satan is completely powerless and cannot act on the physical plane in any way. No possessions, no mind warping people, totally lame. And if he is totally powerless why would we ever be afraid of him at all? You can talk to him, but he can’t talk back because if he could talk back then he could give you info like bank account passwords or military data.
Or at least he can’t mind warp you, unless you let him as fellow commentator Bagge states. In which case worshiping Satan won’t make you magical or give you info, but it will screw you over by allowing him to mind warp you {which conforms to your theory perfectly}
Regardless of which of the two theories is true at least we can all be in perfect agreement that praying to God will grant you magical powers because that is why we pray. Amen.
For a long time, though, it wasn’t “Burn the witches”, it was “Burn the heretics who believe in witches even though we, the Church, have told them that witches don’t exist.”
The Hexenhammer definitely believed in witchcraft and provided ways to identify witches. (Mostly by torture), I think it even stated explicitly that not believing in witchcraft was heresy.
It took a long time till Friedrich von Spee dared to write in cautio criminals that you could invent anything and get as many confessions for it as for witchcraft when using those methods.
Yeah, that’s when the Church’s position changed and somehow managed to do a full 180 on the matter.
God Darn, skimming the Hexenhammer wikipedia page on Malleus Maleficarum is more cryptic, mystic, vile and stupid thing outside of the Warhammer 40K wiki which is trying to do all of that stuff on purpose.
Denying the existence of witches being heretical totally makes sense if they believed that. If you were a witch the first thing you would do would be try to make people think witches are not real so you could go about unhindered.
It’s very interesting to look at the Inquisition and see the different targets it focussed on in different places. In Spain and Portugal, almost entirely Moriscos and recusant Jews. In southern France, Cathars. In Italy, heretics. Later on, Protestants. I think that witch-hunts were an unofficial and Protestant thing.
Willis apparently went around with chick tracts in his youth, and at least one of those things says you can learn magic powers from the D&D books. Pretty sure Satan scores higher than those in the crazies power-o-meter.
Why do you think I played D&D so long? No matter what level I got to though, I could never learn the real spells.
Bummer
-ang
I’m STILL playing D&D and I haven’t been able to fire off even a single magic missile, which only requires(d) an Intelligence of 11. Blow to my ego, let me tell you.
Heh, nice one.
It could be worse.
https://smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=638#comic
Even more magical, having Fuckface on your head can cause Malaya to be RUDE when she demands her iguana back.
If I were Joyce, I’d challenge Malaya to prove he wants to move.
I wouldn’t. Iguanas have REALLY good claws, on account of having to cling to tree branches. If Fuckface doesn’t want to move and Malaya tries to pull him off, he’s ripping Joyce’s scalp right off.
I don’t think Malaya needs a magical reason to be rude. And if she’s truly concerned about it, she should keep Fuckface in the tank when she’s not there, so he doesn’t harass her roommate or wander off on stranger’s heads.
still waiting for the iguana to crap on someone’s head
Only if it advances the story. Chekov’s crap.
Gentleman Fuckface needs a top hat, a monocle, and/or a bow tie.
No way! He’s already got some serious balance issues. Letting him benefit from item buffs would be game-breaking.
I for one welcome our new, dapper Iguana overlords.
It would be an improvement. I grant you that.
Not even Fuckface can make Sarah less sarcastic.
Powers are working. Joyce and Sal both look very cute!!
Sarah stop eating my pens
Be FEWER sarcastic. Common mistake.
…what?
I think they’re being sarcastic.
No, I think ‘less’ is correct. Sarcastic is a volume, not a number of units.
i have six sarcastics
3-I is the sarcasticest. They win.
Thank you, I’m honored. It’s days like this I’m glad I became a professional sarcast.
I’m wondering if anyone has noticed that Joyce is walking around with an iguana on her head? Seriously, it would raise huge questions about how everyone sees her if her walking around with a head-lizard just makes them think: “Joyce, only moreso“!
Sal and Joyce share a half-bath. Joyce hasn’t left out the door yet.
And as for the people who HAVE seen her with the Iguana on her head, I’m pretty sure Sarah, Sal and Carla thinks it make her Joyce, only moreso.
Well, Carla seems to think it makes her KAWAII
Carla already thought that, she made her a cool present and everything!
Have we ever seen…
Dina wearing Dinohat and ‘anyperson’-with-Iguana-on-Head meet up.
(And Hi-Jinx ensue!)
I still think we will have a VERY STUPID Jealous!Dina storyline ending up with a truly epic hat
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2018/comic/book-9-comic/01-flyin-to-the-red/storytimeintensifies/?replytocom=1350642#comment-1350634
Yeah! That’s pretty much exactly what I’m thinking too!
The truly epic hat is then topped by Fuckface getting a tiny cute hat like Dina’s normal one.
And the tiny cute hat will have it’s own tinier cute hat.
“It’s hats all the way down”
OBSERVE!
https://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=2189
Even better… “Malaya’s Iguana” gets a tiny hat that looks like Dina!
The hat will be like something a very pedantic Luna Lovegood would do if she was into dinosaurs.
No, we’re going to get “Becky comes face-to-face with Joyce-with-Fuckface-on-Head”, and her weird fetish and remaining lust for Joyce is going to make her explode.
That thing with the lady syrup again?
Think that is a different webcomic.
Joyce, what the fuck? Don’t take other people’s pets anywhere without their okay. Especially since she didn’t know Sarah knew about him already and Sal already told her they weren’t supposed to have him. I mean, I feel like ‘grown ass adult knows not to steal other’s pets’ is a low bar, c’mon.
I think that it’s worth noting that Joyce has been an entirely passive party in this matter. It is Fuckface who appropriated Joyce’s head and has decided to keep it even though she has left his normal territory.
That is an excuse.
I mean, not a STELLAR excuse, but it is an excuse.
I think it’s a stellar excuse.
It’s a lousy reason, but it’s a great excuse.
She has hands. She can remove the iguana. She doesn’t want to.
At this point one of the Rachels will point at them and ask “Where did you get that weird thing”, and Fuckface will reply “It just wandered in and made itself available”
Heh!
That would require knowledge of boundaries, and we already know Joyce has none of that.
This moves beyond evangelical disrespect of other people’s personal boundaries and into just straight up theft. Like she just walked off with a total stranger’s property completely unbeknownst to them.
Oh good lord. She’s in the next room, showing her roommate the cool thing. There are issues with her behavior here, though it’s mostly just Willis playing with the in-joke from Shortpacked!, but theft is not one of them.
This isn’t actually debatable. Walking off with someone’s pet without their permission is a bad thing.
Agreed, by all means play with the pet in Malayas room but leave the room. If something was to Fuck-Face (I don’t know, Joyce accidentally drops it or someone in authority happens to walk by etc etc) what would Joyces response to Malaya be, an inadequate oops or sorry?
“but don’t leave the room”
Dagnabbit!
Really, you shouldn’t even be touching an animal (especially not an exotic) without its owner’s go ahead. You don’t know the animal, you don’t know if it tends to bite or if it’s nervous or if it’s just not healthy for it to be handled. Like, iguanas are well equipped to give you a hella bad time.
Yeah true, I was looking at it like the Iguana came to Joyce first but you raise some good points
I’m more used to four legged furry friends
This is a minor nitpick, Fuckface climbed onto Joyce’s head on his own. She didn’t pick him up and put him there. Yeah, she definitely shouldn’t be walking off with him, though.
Which is also an argument for not leaving him to roam the room unattended.
Pretty much. Malaya can’t complain about somebody touching Fuckface without her permission when she leaves him loose to bother people.
If she’d left him closed up in his tank and Joyce had opened it up and taken him out without permission, that would be a different story.
Malaya shouldn’t be letting him wander around, but Joyce shouldn’t be taking him out of her room. She has fully functional hands, she can put the iguana back on the bed or wherever before she leaves.
True. Two wrongs don’t really make a right.
thejeff: Joyce shouldn’t just be fucking around in Malaya’s room without permission from either her or Sal lmao Joyce didn’t have permission to go in their room to begin with, and she definitely shouldn’t be taking anything out of their room into hers. There is no way that Joyce is not in the wrong here, regardless of what Malaya has done.
What if Joyce dropped it in Malaya’s room? Or someone in authority walked in, which is no more likely in Joyce’s room than in Malaya’s?
Again, she didn’t even go into the hall.
If Joyce is, nominally, in charge of Fuck-Face then its on her but if it happens in Malayas room then its on Malaya
No, she went to show Sarah, when she didn’t know Sarah already knew about Fuckface and DID know Fuckface wasn’t supposed to be in the dorms. Either report the thing or don’t but don’t go spreading secrets that can get people in trouble without telling them and especially don’t take the pets out of their room.
not-a-hat
#NotAHat
#NotMostHats
#YesMostHats
maybe FF can get a little purple derby a la QC
Usually the key to making sarcastic people less sarcastic is to say fewer dumb things in their presence. Which is why it rarely happens.
If they didn’t want me to say dumb things in their presence, they should have left while there was still time. Or something like that.
I’VE CAUGHT UP NOOOOOOOOO…
But at least I can comment… hi.
Welcome to realtime.
Joyce, I need you to show the famous trick of Obi Wan Kenobi.
need to show you*
Panel five may be the highest combo of ultimate A Sarah and ultimate Joyce yet.
for the most part these things are pretty clean and safe, but I HAVE seen one poop on a girl’s head
Love the eye roll in the last panel. Even Fuckface ( I really had to resist the urge there), is getting exasperated with Joyce’s antics.
Um. As near as I can see, the eye and expression in the last panel is identical to that in the third panel.
What kind of “fine gentleman” climbs on top of a girl ten minutes after meeting her for the first time?
Where else would an overlord ride?
Sarah has to admit that fuckface is great oil that makes social situations go more smoothly by it’s mere presence
You GOTTA make a Fuckface plushie for us to buy!!!!!!