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The Onion @theonion.com ⋅ 5h
David M Willis! @damnyouwillis.bsky.social ⋅ 17h
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| TEAM FOSSILS
Rainbow Friends
what about a podcast about HOT HOT SEXENGS
Imagine a podcast where the casters are actively fucking during it. Each week they have a topic and try to do their best to converse about it mid-coitus.
That could be an episode of Night Vale After Dark.
So a 7 minute podcast? Not a very deep analysis *cough*
That’s not accounting for the foreplay. The podcast goes through the whole experience. Heavy petting to light kissing and all that. And then also the sex.
So 7 minutes then?
7 minutes and 28 seconds.
Are y’all just in a hurry or somethin’?
I’m guessing the 7 minutes includes stripping clothes of course. I guess 28 seconds is generous going off what I hear about many Humans…
I asked Daniel the Human if he was that fast. He just raised an eyebrow, then did his creepy starts-as-a-chuckle-then-goes-full-evil-laugh thing. It really creeps me out. It’s kinda like his own version of that Tim Curry Human’s laugh…
Yeah seriously. Anything less than 20 minutes is a quicky. No one wants to listen to a podcast about quickies.
You are aware this is the Internet? https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/erotic-awakening-podcast/e/ea415-quickies-48834951
There’s a dude in Chicago who goes on OKCupid first dates, audio-records the conversations, and posts them as a podcast. The people he’s dating are all in on this, of course. He won’t date anyone who isn’t down to be a guest on this podcast. I think there might be a woman who hosts, too.
I think there was a video series where a person would try to read and explain a book while they had a vibrator/automatic sucking thingie going full speed on their nethers.
Don’t most podcasts involve three or more guys? So does that mean that podcasts are the new gangbang?
This made me go check my current podcast subscription list. Apparently I am an anomaly, because of my 26 follows, not one of them is hosted by three guys. I do have one hosted by three women, but mostly they’re either public radio panel shows or single-host (with or without guest or guests) shows.
Whenever someone mentions podcasts to me, it often seems to have three guys talking about random stuff.
I myself am on a podcast with 3 guys (and one girl).
I have exactly two favorites on my Sirius/XM app: NPR and MSNBC. Every time I launch the app, it prominently features Fox News and CNN. Marketing. :-/
There’s a world of podcasts out there. Apparently a lot of them do indeed involve three dudes, but there are other ones out there.
Here’s my podcasts, split by hosts and their gender:
A woman and a man: 6 (three of which are One McElroy Brother And His Wife)
One woman: 4
Two women: 4
One woman and a guest: 3
One man and a guest: 3
Two men: 3
Three men: 2 (My Brother My Brother And Me & The McElroy Brothers Will Be In Trolls World Tour)
A cast that changes every episode: 2
One woman, two men: 2
One man: 2
Four men: 1
Three women and one man: 1
Five men: 1
Two women and a guest: 1
Two women and two men: 1
Three women and two men: 1
Three men and two women: 1
One woman, one nonbinary person and three men: 1
Podcasts always have me first think of the closing scene of that movie about pods THEN my brain goes, oh yeah, they meant those internet video thingies. But he effect is the same.
Too subtle? Maybe she’ll notice if they fuse into Sugilite.
She really puts the ‘b’ in subtle.
Sometimes I wish Malaya were that silent.
Ooh, I like that!
Marcie and Sal are Garnet in this scenario?
I see Sal as Garnet and Marcie as Amethyst.
Not sure about Malaya. Maybe if she called someone a clod.
Malaya can be PeriDope
Oh, Malaya
Simple, Malaya
Simple, Spiteful Malaya
Simple, Spiteful, Horny Malaya
Malaya is such an a-hole in a truly hilarious way!
Wait, I almost know that reference.. Disney, something?
I was thinking Star Trek: Deep Space 9 myself. there’s a character who insists he is just “plain, simple Garak.”
Deepest cut: Frasier
I am thinking Smothers Brothers.
We’re so pleased you’re not dead, Willis! That would have been a poor career move for you. May your health and your Jetfire recover and prosper.
With the buffer, would we know?
The Tweet sidebar.
I can’t see it for some reason. I get a “broken image” icon.
Just imagine you hear Weird Al’s parody of “Living in America” playing in your head right now.
Do you use an adblock? If so, that’s probably it.
Yes, but I usually see the tweets. Perhaps it’s because I updated Chrome since yesterday.
Looks as though my adblocker lost its white-list when I updated Chrome. Everything’s back now.
*checks twitter*
Turns out I missed a whole lot of internet yesterday.
In three months, anyway.
Dang, still hurts a bit remembering our webcomic friend who we discovered had died bc he hadn’t updated after seventeen YEARS of never missing even one day
Death often makes any artist’s art more valuable.
I hope they gave you the good mesh to hold your innards in place.
(just what you needed to hear, right?)
Sure you do, honey. Sure you do.
This is gonna be fucking hilarious.
Glad you lived Willis. Both for your own and your family’s sakes.
Also, it would have been hella weird reading the remaining updates from the buffer if you hadn’t.
(And, like, woo, you not dying and all that.)
I kinda feel like ghost-updates are a really cool concept until it’s the reality. Then it’s sad.
Glad you’re okay, Willis!
The best we can hope for is that the “fucking hilarious” leads to hilarious fucking.
Malaya is so full of.herself I’m amazed she hasn’t collapsed into a black hole yet…
she’s just a butt hole
This reminds me when one time someone called this guy on the bus an asshole, and he responded with, “I’d rather be an asshole than a whole ass.”
And the rest of us in that section did our best to look away and not get involved, but we made eye contact with each other that could be pretty much summed up as, “No? I don’t think tha g works, anyway. An ass can be appreciated, okay, but an asshole is generally less appealing? Unless you’re into that, which, no judgement, but I think I’d rather be the meaty part of the ass rather than an asshole.”
We said all that with our eyes.
That WOULD explain why she’s so incredibly dense.
Someone once asked my mom to be on his podcast and she just laughed. Now I’m trying to figure out if he was hitting on her.
Were there 5¢ coins involved? Or wooden replicas of 5¢ coins?
He probably forgot to offer the nickel and that’s why she laughed.
Her mind is a well-oiled eagle!
Mind like a steel sieve
Sharp as a wet brick
ELBOW
First, an it like you, the house is a respected
house; next, this is a respected fellow; and his
mistress is a respected woman.
POMPEY
By this hand, sir, his wife is a more respected
person than any of us all.
ELBOW
Varlet, thou liest; thou liest, wicked varlet! the
time has yet to come that she was ever respected
with man, woman, or child.
POMPEY
Sir, she was respected with him before he married with her.–Shakespeare, “Measure For Measure”
Unfortunately for Malaya she has the senses of a stuffed hawk.
Or possibly a hawk that just flew into a window pane and is now severely concussed.
Ahhh. . . .Though they know her well they forgot to take into account the OTHER significant half of her personality.
I was wondering who this conversation was with, and I think it’d be the most fun if May from QC was just off-panel, trying to point out the obvious.
Why do I suddenly want a Crossover where May and Carla meet?
That would be so wild, and slightly universe-breaking. If we are going to be doing that I want Dina to meet Hanners.
f=Yes++
Carla would just give May a new body.
Now, if May met Malaya…! May would win. Hands down. (I wonder if May happened because Jeph stopped doing Yelling Bird and some other outlet was needed.)
Sal and Marcie are SO cute!!
This is off topic but do we know Sal’s major?
She is currently undeclared.
Thank you
With the exception of Dorothy, who is bound for the White House and is merely marking time at IU until she can transfer to Yale, does anyone in the Dumbiverse have a definite plan or course of study?
The books have cast pages with their majors. Most folks haaaaaave… I hesitate to say “a plan”, because LOOK AT THIS LOT, but at least a defined course of action.
Books, book pdfs and occasionally Willis will spill on tumblr.
Joyce – Elementary education. This was also Becky’s major at Anderson.
Dorothy – Political Science
Walky – Telecommunications
Billie – Journalism
Amber, Danny, Rachel – Computer Science
Ethan, Sal, Joe – Undeclared
Sarah, Jacob, Raidah – Pre-law
Dina – Biology. This is also what Becky wants to major in at IU
Ruth – English
Mike – Social work (I still want to fight whoever allowed this. Also, note, the books mistakenly labelled his major as computer science)
Roz – Gender studies
Carla – Engineering, specifically Computer Systems Engineering iirc.
Mary – Art Education.
No clue about Malaya or Lucy. Leslie’s Ph.D is presumably in Gender Studies or a related field.
Oh, yeah, and Jason and Penny majored in math.
I choose to believe that Mike was going into hacking/computer science until he realized how much personal trauma he could cause as a social worker.
Sounds like Mike.
She’s a real prize, good luck Marcie.
“… Is it working yet?”
Get well, Mr. Willis.
On another note: why is Malaya moving without walking? What do her hawk senses tell her of that strange situation?
I would suggest, considering the changing background, that shes standing still and the point of view is shifting.
She does seem to be turning to her right a bit.
There are way too many podcasts, but sometimes that means you can find out more information about someone you want to internet creep on because they’ve done a podcast, so I guess podcasts are still okay.
Who in the cast would have a podcast? Who else in the cast would be on as a guest?
It doesn’t matter whose podcast it is, Danny would be *delighted* to come on as a guest musician to play his ukulele.
Joe invites Danny onto his podcast but it’s actually a ukulele-related intervention.
Joe starts lecturing him on how “ukulele dweeb” is dominating his personality, Danny starts playing the ‘sad talk moment’ background music from Full House without breaking eye contact.
Ethan would absolutely have a podcast on transformers. He’d invite Amber regularly, and Danny might come to humour him.
Lucy would have a podcast, and she’d invite Walky, Dorothy, and Carla to be guests.
She’d hella invite Billie, but Billie would never agree to it.
Oh yeah. Nerd in denial.
Dorothy, and also Joyce, would be invited via Walky’s suggestion. Walky and Joyce talk about Dexter & Monkey Master. Dorothy does too, but also discusses Teen Titans vs. TTG. Carla comes to talk about the superiority of Ultra-Car over other cartoons, especially D&MM.
Another idea: Lucy and Walky weekly podcast about various cult films
Rachel has a podcast about coding: “My God, This Code is Recursive!”
I would expect Roz de Santo to have a NSFW podcast on sexual liberation/freedom and safe sex practices.
this strip is about 35% Malaya by volume
She can’t even properly fall for it.
Goddamit Malaya
Nice to get back to silly again after a few days of holy shit.
D’aaaw they’re holding hands
I am so down for this story <3 I don't know if it will be more cute or hysterical but I wanna know!
I am also curious as to how it will bisect with the Asher stuff…I am sure Walky’s recent shenanigans aren’t going to blow this up in their faces in any way…Maybe Asher will seek out Sal and Malaya… Well, there’s even odds as to whether she’ll punch him or fuck him then. I give it about 5% that she will do both.
It took me the longest time to realize Sal and Marcie were holding hands.
Not as long as it took Malaya
I’m wondering how long it’ll take before Malaya notices.
I feel like her shirt is meta commentary. ‘NOPE.’
who the hell is she talking to?
Us. *mind blown*
Malaya is fully aware she’s fictional and has an audience. *record scratch* yeah that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I got into this situation.
Now that I think about it, Malaya is definitely giving me some Emperor Kuzco vibes
Get well soon, Mr. Willis.
Glad your insides are back where they belong!
I was going to make some snarky remark about the hernia until I did some basic research and discovered that hernias of the type that Willis described — on twitter, while it was happening to him, and undoubtedly extremely painful — are in fact potentially life-threatening.
DYW, you magnificent bongo, good job staying alive!
She’s just an overall unpleasant person, isn’t she.
I mean all she’s doing here is complaining about a lame pickup line so idk but I guess even “podcaster dudes are annoying” is a bad take when Malaya says it.
In the guy’s defence, Malaya came up to HIM because Sal mentioned sexual interest. He may in fact have been legitimately inviting her to the podcast.
Yeah, I get the impression we’re supposed to interpret this as “Malaya has decided regular conversation is a bad pick up line because she is actually Bad At Peopleing”.
Basically how I read it, yeah. Malaya assumes the worst. Unless she likes you. The latter rarely happens.
If that was the intention, Willis shouldn’t have made the guy a podcaster.
What have you got against podcasters?
Honestly, so much.
I don’t get it. It’s basically just talk radio?
Yeah, that’s, like, half of it right there.
…Okay, yeah, fair enough.
I wish podcasts were more like old-time radio shows. Burns and Allen, Jack Benny, Abbott and Costello, and Dragnet are good commuting listening if you can get past the corniness and cigarette ads.
Unfortunately scripted shows take a lot more effort than sitting four dorks around a Blue Yeti mic, so quantity beats quality.
Needfuldoer: If you’re listening to four dorks around a microphone, for God’s sake why?
Sturgeon’s rule (“Ninety percent of everything is crap”) applies to webcomics as much as it applies to podcasts — and yet we still have DoA as much as we have Bullseye.
Oh hell no. The last few podcasts I’ve listened to were all from TWiT.
“Four dorks around a microphone” is just a facetious example of the baseline, low effort crap that seems to flood the podcast market.
Yumi: Dahlia Lithwick and Ana Marie Cox and Caitlin Doughty and Avery Trufelman and Sarah Koenig and the Kitchen Sisters would like a word with you. Really, that is literally what they would like.
Those darn pod casters, always casting those pods!
f=Yes++
She’s just my type of unpleasant though <3
Theory: Malaya has always assumed Sal and Marcie are in a troubled relationship/crushing on each other, and when she finally notices, she’s gonna be all “AHA! FINALLY! I’ve been trying to get you to admit your feelings to her all along, Sal!”
And that’s been her motivation the whole time. That incredibly off-base assumption. And that’s why she’s never noticed Marcie’s efforts. That’s why she’s been so over-the-top at Sal.
I fear they will have to smooch to get through the reinforced concrete that is Malaya’s skull
Malaya’s skull could headbutt Ultracar and leave a dent.
Y’know, I’m pretty sure it did in the other comic. How else could she have survived a brawl with her (before her chassis transfer)?
That could work, but only if Malaya is remotely interested in Marcie, sexually. Which is not something we have yet seen any evidence of.
Well the plan is that she will want to smooch Marcie in order to spite Sal, we’ll see how that works out.
Things that have been made evident in canon strips:
– Marcie’s lust for Malaya
– Malaya’s eagerness to spite Sal
A things that as yet remains solely in headcanon:
– Malaya’s interest in Marcie other than as someone to hang out with
But that’s the point – even if she’s not interested in Marcie sexually, she’ll act to spite Sal. Marcie gets laid, Malaya gets to prove she’s better than Sal, Sal gets to make Marcie happy. Everyone is good.
There’s no way this can backfire. Even if it all goes according to plan, it’s still likely to be a disaster.
The point with some disasters is to enjoy them while they are happening.
Welcome to Indiana
*Cool scary and soft music.*
Hello listeners. This is your host, Cecil Palmer, and today we got some news. Sal and Marcie are going to manipulate Malaya so Marcie can get into her pants and do what Carlos calls the horizontal tango. I love that man.
Ok, Marcie, just walk up and sign “Hey, you’re hot, let’s fuck.”
Or, alternately, have Sal say it to Marcie and let Malaya hear it.
Oh damn. I didn’t even realize she’s unintentionally dissing Marcie until you pointed it out.
Omg I also did not notice. Wowow Marcie, how you feeling now?
Why not the best of both plans?
Marcie:”[Hey, you’re hot, let’s fuck.”]
Sal: “What are you doing, Marcie? I do not approve of the two of you having steaming, hot sex multiple times each night. Besides, you can do better than Malaya.”
Malaya: “The fuck you say? Let’s fuck.”
This is a fine plan! Direct and subtle! Straightforward and manipulative!
She’s like Freude. Super Science Friends Freud at that. All of human… EVERYTHING… apparently leads back to sex, so just give up the ghost already, and let’s have an orgy!
Yayyy, Marcie and Sal friendin it up again
Just gals … well you know the rest.
So are we clear on what Sal’s feelings towards Marcie ACTUALLY are yet? Romantically/sensually/sexually speaking, I mean.
Sure, the setup is that she’s “pretending” interest to manipulate Malaya, but is that truly the case?
Sal has made it clear and explicit that she will not fuck Marcie.
http://www.dumbingofage.com/2015/comic/book-5/03-the-butterflies-fly-away/fuck/
Well when Marcie said she wanted to (exact translation not mentioned iirc) Malaya, sal said something like “oh yeah I ain’t doin that”
Translations of Ameslan often appear as the titles of the strips.
Mostly guilt for her injuries and never being able to help with her medical needs. Beyond that, Marcie is a very good friend, no more.
Do you see how awkward Sal looks in these panels? It’s painful.
“Please be on my podcast! It’s 10 inches long, vibrates, glows in the dark, and plays “Nearer My God To Thee.”
I wanna see less of Malaya and more of Amber and Walky.
Somehow,
“I whipped my big ten inch
podcast of my favorite blues”
just doesn’t have the same ring
Just going on record to say I still love Malaya.
Marcie, it’s pretty clear to me that Malaya has pretty much a trailer-full of issues about being the smartest one in the room and that no-one can fool her. Now, stand there and ask yourself this: Do you really, really want that sack of crazy that much?
Some people dig Crazy.
Marcie clearly isn’t one of them or she’d have been less angry about Sal’s partnership with Amazi-Girl.
There’s different deal breakers for different people. Beating up random people at 6 AM is a bit different from this.
Yes, for a start, this is more personal.
Yeah, 6 AM is not the right time for doing anything but sleeping!
“Those sane girls, they’re so easy,
But a crazy girl is hard to find.”
–John Hiatt
As far as I can tell… yes.
Panel nr 3. That is what I wish Marcie had done irl. But hey, since this is a webcomic, let the high jinks ensue!
Seems like someone wanted to do some… journalism
Yep, I really preferred her previous haircut
Same – this one looks like she got tired of having helmet hair after rollerderbying, so she just cut her hair to fit the helmet instead.
I like her new haircut, it suits her. I don’t like her any better than before, but I do think she is cute.
The last panel has me imagining Malaya as Gimli in this scene.
While we’re all focused on Sal, Marcie, and Malaya, a small distant figure in the far background moves between the last two frames.
Could it be Slenderman?
I thought it was Jason by the silhouette.
Who is Malaya talking too? I’m sort of hoping she is aware enough to be playing into this situation and saying out loud that Marcie could probably say “let’s bang” if that’s what she means. Which would mean she really does have hawk like manipulation senses like a hawk.
As likely, she is just doing some villainous monologuing.
“NOTICE OUR HANDHOLDING SENPAI”
Hawks are notoriously difficult to manipulate.
Until you fit a leather hood over their head.
True fact: Hawks are super easy to manipulate. There’s a whole sport based on that.
Congrats on getting through the surgery, Willis! Get well soon!
Oh, is Malaya still here?
I find the funniest thing about this strip to be that Malaya is being so thick skilled she hasn’t even noticed Sal and Marcie holding hands through her monologue. They’re just standing there waiting.
Oh, I don’t know for sure if this is happening, but I can feel the wheels turning in Marcie’s head wondering why she wants to bang Marcie so badly. Sal’s plan, after all, revolves around exposing and exploiting Malaya’s petty spitefulness. Marcie is this concentrated on that quality, which isn’t necessarily very attractive to most people.
I find your second paragraph at least very plausible.
Somehow I can’t see this ending with Marcie and Malaya getting together and being happily ever after. (Which may admittedly not be what Marcie wants anyway — has it ever been established if Marcie actually wants to date Malaya or just have sex with her?)
I think that Malaya’s podcast would best be titled: “Me, Uncensored and Unfiltered”
I’m pretty sure Malaya would never have a podcast, because Malaya really does not give a fuck about whether or not other people listen to her.
I’ve gotta say, as someone who has shipped Sal/Marcie nothing’s done a better job of convincing me they definitely aren’t interested in each other at all than how awkward they look just standing there holding hands.
“We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way I’d like to hear it.”
Malaya, have you considered taking Joyce and Becky’s course in Lesbian Love Sleuthing?
Malaya not yet noticing the hand-holding AND Sal’s awkward posture = the most bemusing tension, also who does Malaya think she’s talking to
Or, in this case, failing to notice the manipulation itself.
Also, Marcie, ffs, she’s practically telling you. Tell her you want to hit that. I had hopes for you being the single, mature one in the cast. I HAD HOPES FOR YOU!!!
Sigh.
Guess I got Asher now…
I think Marcie knows that’s the better, more mature, choice. I just think she’s also very nervous and afraid to actually come out and say it. Not just because the risk of rejection but telling someone you’re bi can be nerve wracking.
Asher is mature? “I was a dumb kid so stop trying to place any blame on me” Asher?
And why are you even reading this comic if you want mature characters?
So is she just soliloquizing in the hallway or is she talking loud enough to expect the other 2 to hear her clearly?
Both.
She obviously has forgotten the first rule of villainy, don’t monologue.
got damn Malaya is a fuckin snack
malaya you are so stupid i love you
…what was that podcast even about?
Like what subject matter requires an in-depth and thoughtful opinion from Malaya?
Cue Malaya getting played like a one note song in 3, 2, 1 . . .
Malaya makes me glad we have Mary around.
And I just now noticed that Malaya has been wearing wristbands.
Don’t remember anyone commenting on that.
Arrogance thy name is Malaya.
Yes senses like a hawk. A blind as fuck hawk.